Hi! Apologies if my tone on here seems cynical or whatever, I'm gonna be writing on here while upset sometimes sooo yeah. I'm gonna talk about interests and stuff soon but today I want to vent. I've been expiriencing a lot of loss lately, heartbreak. Not even 2 months ago, dad was kicked out (Reluctantly let back in, acted like an asshole again after a few days back lmao). What tommorow will be a month when I got broken up with, we got kinda back together, then got broken up with again not even a week later. Its only been abt 19 days since then. So my heart just keeps on getting broken. They did something stupid, I forgave them. I said stupid things after the broke up with me the second time, now I'm a monster ig. They broke my trust and I forgave them and then I say stupid things when I'm having a breakdown and I'm the bad guy. It makes me so sad that I can't just. Help them? Idk. Ik they're going through something and I just can't. Help them. Can't make them feel better. I didn't just lose my lover, the love of my life, I lost my best friend. There's so many things I want to tell them but what would be the use? Pushed away, again? Not taken seriously, words weaponized. We're taking space from eachother so we don't rip eachother to shreds everytime we talk. It's awful. I don't regret the few days I had with them again, I wouldn't trade any time with the real them for the world.
I hate being a teen, everyone is trying to figure themself out or whatever. It confuses me bc I know who I am. I'm Veratrine, enough said. I wake up, I'm Veratrine. I go to sleep, I'm Veratrine. There's no one to discover, there's nothing to figure out. It's not the same for other people though, sadly. When people do wanna figure stuff out or whatever I'm just caught in the crossfire.
End Log.
Also clarification for the breakup thing, they're not the bad guy either, neither of us are. We're just breathing, writhing, feeling humans. That's all we'll ever be.
End log.
10/23/22
It's kinda dumb, right? Loving so much a person who doesn't do the same, may never do the same. Being so sad about it. Atleast I think so. I think that's bad, I should cut myself some slack, but I can't even rationalize my own feelings. Love is strange, love is painful. It's so much my logical brain can't handle. I can't just turn off my emotions like a switch. What does it mean to get over someone? How does one fall out of love persay? I cannot rationalize it, but many have answered that there is no way to. I'm stuck like this, a lonely lover. I love too much my heart can't handle it. It's kinda funny how everything played out. They were always so afraid I'd leave them; that I'd like someone else. In the end I never did want to leave them, not even when they broke my trust, my one biggest boundry. Not even now do I expel them from my thoughts. I'd never leave them, I could never like anyone else. They always used to say I deserved everything I wanted, but all I wanted was them. Forgive me for all my very personal thoughts, I have very little outlets and this is one of them. I only have one friend now and I don't want to burden them with all my pain, y'know? So this is love, huh? I felt it, I'm feeling it. It makes you stupid, or in my case right now, delusional. I feel like I'm probably nothing to them now, if anything just a crazy ex. I am no longer a friend, their most best friend, their lover. The person they'd choose over everybody and everything else. I'm probably just a nuisance. It's an awful feeling. I can't even reach out to them. Tell them what I really feel because it just won't matter. Words left unsaid hurt less than not getting the response you want from the words you mean. I've learned that. I've always been lonely, but I've learned true lonesomeness. If that's what any sick god wanted me to learn then I've learned it, I swear I've learned it. I almost had the compulsion to apologize for saying all this in my own space, I feel like I've apologized enough, for everything. I'll just continue loving (almost) everyone (fuck bigots) and everything. As long as I love and give kindness, maybe I'll recieve it. May whatever weapon foraged against me fail and whatever evil cursed upon me brought back to you tenfold blah blah yadda yadda.
End Log.
Can't help somebody who's not willing to help themself ig. If this expirience has thaught me anything worthwhile, its patience. Anyways! After my sleep I shall talk about my current hyperfixation in this log. See ya then!
Revue Starlight
Ok hihihihi (I say 11 hours later) I'm here to talk about Revue Starlight! I'm not used to talking about my interests in an online space, so ignore any stiffness. I don't think I could've discovered this series at a better time in my life. Going through my first ever breakup and feeling all these unknown emotions and having a piece of media that can help you understand your own feelings more is an amazing expirience. Not to mention the series itself is just. A complete work of art. It has also helped me identify like unhealthy behaviors I have because some of the characters did the same stuff. It also helped me realize I am my own person, I have my own destiny. My own star persay. Though I may want to be on stage with other people, I can be ok as a solo actor. Uh like metaphorically ofc my theatre kid phase is long behind me HAHAHA. Well ig not as much as I thought it was. I still have a theatre geek appreaciation for the score and the choreo. I should get back into theatre right? Y'know getting into very gay swordfights, meeting giraffes that telepathically speak or whatever. Timelooping for the equivalent of idk 64 years. Very real and normal theatre kid activities! I love going on hours long deepdives on what specific symbolism means, though I have not had the time to do so for my schedule has been busy... with crying and looking at pictures of Nana. God I have such a weird typing style. If you wonder why I type like *general motion movement* this, it's because I exclusively look at memes, classical literature, and scientific documents. So its leaked into how to write and how I speak. Trust me, listening to me ramble irl is a trip. It was my ex's fav thing in the world. Anyways, Mahiru. She is so me! I am mentally well :) Her arc in the first part of the series broke my heart but I enjoyed her character development of her figuring out she shines brightly on her own. It helped me feel a bit better about myself. Why must the English take everything? (Love you Hikari) I am very new and probably very late to this series so I have a lot of catching up to do gacha game wise. Forgive me! I'm slowly learning about the girls outside of Seisho I promise! Also the movie fucking destroyed me. Currently going through my own little Nana arc. I remember for both the series and the movie (Which I finished both in the same day) with tears in my eyes said, "Thats it?" in a weak meager little voice. Also can Claudine and Maya be normal. For maybe a few seconds? They're so extra I love it. Girl let's get married in the most dramatic and roundabout way possible! Love you, my rival! Rivals in this series just means "person I'm fruity with" as I've discovered. I mean rivals are pretty gay in general let's be real here. Also why are most of the revue names in the movie so... aggresive? You got "Revue of ANNIHILATION" "Revue of MALICE" "Revue of HUNTING". But then you just have "Reuve of Competition" fairly more innocent. It's funny to me. Kinda off topic but the VA's voices are so good. I'm familiar with Aina Aiba's along with Ayasa Itō's voices from their work in the bandori franchise. Aiai killing it as always, and a style of singing I've personally never heard from Ayasa. More... sleazy? If that's the right word. I really enjoy it! I've also discovered the amazing voices of Maho Tomita(Maya's VA), Moeka Koizumi(Nana), and Hinata Sato(Junna) through Revue Starlight. These are just my personal favorites but everyone else are also super duper talented! The vocal range of Haruki Iwata(Mahiru) in the Revue of Competition killed me. I'm gay and I love when women can drop their voices I'm sorry :(. Ahh just amazing work all around from everyone! The animation is lovely and some scenes are so fun and memorable. Which has prompted me to draw ss redraws. Once I get my art page up and running y'all will be able to see them. Sorry for no deep analysis of any of the characters this time around! Maybe later or sometime in the future. It has taken me like 2 hours to get all my thoughts together for this. Love you guys and thanks for reading!
End Log.
10/26/22
I'm back! Not much has happened in the past 3-ish days I've been gone. Went to therapy, went on a few walks, took a shower. Didn't take my daily walk yesterday so I'm feeling a bit... unstable. Honestly waiting for my ex to reach out to me. I promised I wouldn't reach out to them first. I don't want to be more of nuisance to them then I am. Atleast I think I'm a nuisance? I know it's prob bad to wait for something like that. Like... what am I even expecting? An apology? I doubt I'll get one anytime soon. Do I want the old them back, do I expect them to be like that again once they reach out once more? Maybe. Wishful thinking on my end for sure HAHAHA. I'm an idiot and I miss them. Their kindness, hearing about their day, every detail. Their humor that always made me happy. I miss their good moods and their bad moods. I miss talking to them about nothing and everything. Our midnight talks were always the best. Now just seeing them online on instagram or whatever causes a sharp pain in my chest. They're right there and yet so far. The person I fell in love with all that time ago so far from me, I scared them off. Anyways, I need to update my scrumblies page. Revstar yayyy. I might do that later today. I hope that I get to do my daily walk today bc I have been frothing at the mouth for that shit. I just noticed that Nana's katanas are two different sizes why has it taken me like over a week to notice this. Uhggg I hate coke why am I drinking it. I went through this point of my life where I drank nothing but coke and it made me sick of it. Yet here I am drinking coke bc I refuse to drink water and it was the only other thing in my fridge but it HAHAHA. I should drink more water, dear Vera fandom you will get more Vera drinking water moments soon I promise muah. Might come back to make another log later, see ya.
End Log.
11/04/22
Hey! Its been like *looks at smudged writing on hand* over a week since I last wrote here. I feel like shit rn and have been uncontrollably crying in random intervals for the past 2 hours! Fun! I need to stop reading old messages lmao. Anyways recently I watched Chainsaw Man with my brother (Shout out to him, I love that guy so much). Haven't watched ep 4 yet but I'll get onto it! I'm also planning to read the manga. Never really been a Shonen anime fan but this series is fun so it gets a pass in my book. My brother is the Shonen guy of the family and he's read the entirety of the manga series so he gives me context and stuff while we're watching. I think the way it's a mix of CG and 2D animation is so cool! Its a refreshing style, really. I think media like Into the Spiderverse, Chainsaw Man, and... Beastars... really prove that CG animation can be more than the hyperrealistic crap big corporations push out every few months. Though impressive, they are boring style wise in my opinion. I'm writing this whilst watching the intro on repeat. It's just so good ugh. I like how power uses "'Tis" its very relatable #me. Also my brother said I remind him of Kobeni. It checks out honestly. If y'all ever wondered how I act irl, there's your answer. I recently posted a doodle of me as "THE Chainsaw Man" hanging out with Kobeni with a "character" doing heart eyes in the background on my art account story. Yeah... it made my ex block me on that account for whatever reason PLSSS. I was sleep high so I was genuinely distraught and my brother, the guy who convinced me to post it, felt really bad. But after I went to sleep and woke up, I found the situation hysterical. Like, why did this doodle in particular push you over the edge? I guess I might never get an answer but it amused me for a solid min. Then I was sad again. Extremely unrelated but the way women in Chainsaw Man are drawn is... so pretty. I'm not gay I swear hahahehe. I made a joke doodle on like which one would be my rebound (obvious joke bc I could never get over my ex and me falling in love in the first place was a miracle becuase I'm a romance repulsed aro, anyways). I might have it on my art page once that's up, but I've hit a wall with it because idk what kinda formating I want for it. Also I'm housebound because uh long story short: No car atm. So no daily walk... grrr grrr. I can already feel myself going crazy grrr insane grrr wacky and wild grr. I live in a one bedroom apartment with 4 people and 3 dogs and stoners for neighbors. You can imagine how... pleasant that is to be stuck in for a long time :). Oh I just noticed the little snail Makima is feeding Denji is one of those zombie snails. Y'know the ones with the parasite they get from eating bird poop. Yeah, interesting or whatever. Makima's name is funny to me, it kinda sounds like maquina. Y'all are free from me... for now. Love you guys!
End Log.
I'm back oops! I've just noticed that all the media I've engaged in recently are so chaotically beatiful, and I'm thinking about how there's a person out there who thought this into existance. And with the help of other people they made it reality. How do people think of this stuff, I wonder. I don't think I could ever think up something so amazing. I have a lot less of an imagination than the average person, even thinking up an idea to draw is hard. I feel like I can't make anything truly unique because of my lack of imagination. That my dream to make something meaningful is just that, a dream. I want my work to mean something. I don't want it just to be something I drew. I want it to mean something, make people think and feel. I cannot imagine anything outside of the realm of reality. So coming up with fictional stories is very difficult. I used to line up my toys as a child and not play with them. Shows how much imagination I have haha.
End Log.
11/05/22
I feel awful right now. I tried drinking some calming tea but it literally smelt like death and I took one sip and I was done with that whole expirience. I'm just thinking rn as I watch this lyric video: God is everyone prob gonna make a big fuss when I get back into school. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I'm homeschooled atm due to my social anxiety being awful to the point I couldn't even deal with going to the store. But now I don't think my social anxiety can top the pain I've felt since I withdrew. Also I feel like being around people would help with my cabin fever. Anyways back to the point. "Why would people make a big fuss, oh Vera of mine?" Welll my ex is pretty popular (I'm currently on the social outcast side of the spectrum) so atleast most people in our class, our grade even, know about our breakup. I'm afraid that maybe people will A. Not like me for pretty much no reason or B. Be that sickly sweet kinda pityful nice y'know what I'm talking about. Plus I know I'm probably going to have to sit alone even with classes with them. I'm used to sitting alone so whatever. Uhg fuck me I overboiled my water for my green tea and it's so bitterrrr blegh. Ok adding more honey made it bearable. Writing on this website made me realize how useless I am without autocorrect for my words. I've only been writing in english for 5 of the 15 years I've been on this earth, so don't judge. Back on topic. I don't plan on bothering them unless they decide to talk to me. I won't sit near them in classes or lunch etc. I know talking to them first will make them uncomfy and prob make their friends say mean things to me again sooo yep! Off topic once again because I literally cannot stay on a topic for the life of me. The lyric video I mentioned is for the Bloom Into You anime ED song. Bloom Into You is one of those piece of medias that I can't seem to sort out my feelings for. I read the manga back in *reads old messages* uhh Christmas Eve last year. I thought it was really cool for having aromantic representation! But honestly I like the anime more because there was a scene in the manga that made me blegh. Overall I find the story interesting and relatable from the perspective of Yuu! I was in a similar situation at one point. Knowing someone is in love with you but not being able to recooperate the feelings so soon, but eventually falling for them as well. The way she had that guy confess to her and how she had to turn him down was also relatable because I've been confessed to many a time in my puny little life. I turned down all of them, for I liked them as people, but not like that, similar to her. I also understand that feeling of wanting to understand love, and being so jealous of the people that could. I could understand her outrage when she thought she met someone just like her, another person who did not experience love of that manner, only for them to fall in love with her. How this person now understood the alien emotion of romantic love. Gone was that solidarity. Though I did not fall in love as quickly as she did, for it took her only a few months I think, while it took me the better half of almost 3 years HAHAHA. If my love story was a lesbian manga it would be the most grueling, drawn out slow-burn ever. Also feeling guilty for being in love just. hit home. We had different reasons though, her's being because "Oh god I promised this wouldn't happen. I don't wanna fuck up what we have!" and mine being internalized lesphobia, but also yeah "I don't wanna fuck up what we have!". I was so scared we were gonna break up and we wouldn't be able to be best friends anymore... hate to break it to you little buddy, sometimes fears come true hahaha ha ha... damn. OH and her wanting to understand love so badly and wanting to experience it herself so badly in middle school was so #me! In middle school I was obscenely girl crazy, though I had never had a real crush before. I kinda had one at some point but I think it just was me trying to explore my sexuality that I was questioning at the time and I wanted to have a face to this fictional person. I never understood crushes, even when I had one. I thought confessing would make it end HAHAHA. Why is this song not bad grrr. Oh if you're wondering "Vera in the previous log you mentioned how you're romance repulsed, so why do you read lesbian manga?" Well I don't mind fictional relationships, but I will skip on kissing scenes or cover my eyes like a child. Plus I feel like my lack of understanding of love pushes my eyes out of the rose colored lenses of "cute couple!" to seeing the story for how it is in its entirety. God I feel like rewatching the anime now but ik it will hurt in a special kinda way for no particular reason *eye twitches*. Might come back later, love you guys
End Log.
10/08/22
I'm learning what it means to heal. It doesn't mean you stop loving them, it doesn't mean you stop missing them or anything I thought it meant. It means being strong enough to live on your own again, to be strong enough to face your pain bravely. I have not stopped loving them, but I will be strong enough to talk to them if they ever want to reach out. From this experience I have gotten more confident. I learned love myself a little more. Not that I'm doing better without them, I'm struggling everyday, but I've learned things I would not have learned if not for this expirience. I'm DOING things I would not have done if not for this expirience. Walking, getting out more, going back to school etc. I'm not "doing better", I'm adapting. That's what humans do. I am a human. No matter how hard it is to remember that for myself and sometimes others. The ones we love often frustrate us the most because we only wish the best for them. When they hurt themselves it hurts you, too. You just wish you can make everything magically better for them, but you can't. You have to trust them to help themself if the problem is an internal struggle. Sometimes they will push you away and you therefore cannot comfort them. It hurts, but you gotta trust them. I know that now. It hurts to love someone sometimes, this goes for all relationships. If you love someone or something, it can hurt. It hurts especially to fall out with a best friend, like I did with my ex. They know how to hurt you more than anyone, same for you. You can abosolutely destroy eachother. After everything you feel like you don't even know eachother anymore because you have seen the most seething part of them, and they have seen yours. A part of eachother so alien. If you two decide to reconcile, you'll be better people I think. Stronger, better people. But I think the one thing that doesn't change is your love for eachother, even if your anger in the moment and perhaps a while after clouds that love from your vision. If neither of y'all aren't genuinely awful people that you or the other benifit from cutting out of their life, then I think there's always hope there. Ignore the crazed ramblings of a teen who knows barely anything about any type of relationships! I'm jotting down random things I've learned about them. I'm very unfamiliar with them, for I have barely reconciled with my mom and brother. My brother especially. He's one of my best friends now. I've barely learned what best friends truly means from my friend who's more than a friend but not in a romantic way. They're like an extension of myself HAHAHA. Same person, different font as the kids say these days. I learned romantic love from my ex, but we'd always been best friends before that. The most best friends ever, no matter how childish that sounds. Once we got out of the awkward phase of first getting together romantically after having been friends for almost 3 years, we were closer than ever. I have so many things I have in my life right now to thank them for, I would've never met my best friend if it weren't for them, or discovered some of my favorite media. They were my biggest fan and supporter, as was I for them. They encouraged me to do so much. Ah, writing all this is making me miss them a lot, I should change the topic PLSS. I'm crying at my computer desk blegh. Crying would be enjoyable if you didn't become a snot monster because of it. Because after you stop crying you still have an annoying stuffy nose ughhh. Ok the tears stopped, phew. I guess this means something, if this was a story this would mean something. Maybe like I'm learning to wipe my own tears and finding that comfort within my own self. While having help in a situation like that is always welcome, I do not need it like I used to. *Insert picture of me* Bro is learning from their hardships and making the best out of their painful situtation. I'm not a complete nihilist anymore! Or a pessimist anymore! I am no longer lonely when I'm alone! Also I'm watching the live ver of Yoroshiku Kukugumi and why do they make these women dance the gayest little dances. Guess it perfectly encapsulates the characters they play. Jokes aside this choreo is so fun, I might learn it soon. OH I haven't metioned that hobby here have I? I like dancing! According to my ex and brother I'm good at it but I'm still pretty self concious. I'm very good at learning choreo very fast. I know how to dance the entirety of Otahen Anthem by heart... thats so sad actually what. I can also dance the choreo of Himitsu No Toilette and Kyu~mai*Flower. Revstar choreo is an untamed beast for me atm but once I get some alone time with the tv, the learning shall begin. My brother mentioned this first but the Revstar lives do a really good job on making the dances seem like improv! Especially when the actors will be doing random silly shit in the background. It makes it feels more... real? Even though its all rehearsed obv. They also did a good job picking out actresses that have really got chemistry with eachother! It helps wonders for the performances themselves. I am also learning to sing a few of the songs. I have the accent down for speaking japanese due to it being similar to spanish sound wise to me, but I have a hard time reading it sometimes. I've gotten better though! I wanna be able to know a lot of languages! Which has been decently easy since I'm already billingual. I've been engaging in a lot of japanese media lately so why not learn it, right? Ik for this journey I should've learned portuguese or french or something genuinely similar to spanish because it's the language I grew up with, but I live on the edge. Currently my listening comprehension is... very tiny. I understand a few words here and there and sometimes full sentences but that's it. Reading wise I can read but a few hiragana and kanji. I read romaji to be able to read songs and sing em'. I'm grateful to be able to say I know more japanese than a weeb would. I obv don't mean those really intense weebs I mean the more casual one. The one that usually says a few japanese words in their speech for whatever reason. Also most of the stuff I've learned isn't from traditional ways of learning, perhaps apps, websites, books. No, for some reason my brain decided we are able to learn just from watched subbed anime. Cool ig! Isn't learning language awful? Once you learn any language you start understanding(tm) and never stop understanding. Same goes for reading. God how awful is it to be human? HAHAHA. Jeez I expected this to be a short log about the things I've learned from my grief so far but I got sidetracked. Typical Vera am I right? Oh last night and this afternoon I read a few essays examining revues and different recurring symbolism in Revstar. They were fun reads! Lots of dry humor that made me chuckle. God these lives make me want to get back into theatre as a performer. My body aches for the stage or whatever HAHAHA. I want to shine as bright, I want to have all the spotlights on me. I want to be dazzling like they are. I guess one could say I already am, but I want a wider audience to see that too. So sad the school I went to doesn't have a theatre program, I'd prob join it. But I'm planning to make a literature club for no particular reason hehehe. I've been replaying ddlc too much. In that same note I could possibly make a theatre club instead, correct? I was aquaintences with pretty much the kid principle of the school so maybe with that connection my dream can be a reality. If he doesn't dislike me now ofc bc he is friends with my ex, sighhh. I need to make a meme about me being the possible future founder/president of the theatre club. I'll try to figure out how to put it on here once I make it. ok I'm done rambling... for now...
End Log.
11/11/22
Happy 11+11=22 day! I came up with that rn! I've been crying a lot today and it gave me a headache and jaw pain from sobbing so I took a tylenol. I'd been ugly crying for like 3 hours straight uhhggg it sucked so bad. Ik my ex knows about this website. I doubt they read this blog though, and if they ever have, damn are they dense. Because if they have then none of my words have gotten through to them. We got a car again!! Which equals drives and a way to get to the park to walk. No more too crazy Vera. Y'know rewatching Revue of Hunting with new understanding of Junna and Nana's dynamic within the movie makes me think "Omg that's so us!" In the worst ways possible HAHAHAH. I'm Junna, them Nana. Even though I'm going through a bit of a Nana arc rn PLSS. Their relationship before all the... movie stuff... also reminds me of us! Haha ha ha... sigh. I'm not gonna elaborate because it would be too personal (I say, constantly being personal on here) also there's the small chance they actually look at this shit and probably wouldn't appreaciate a disection of our relationship as a whole spread out on the internet. But Revstar fans who #getit... you'll understand. Sometimes I look back on the version of me who is dead, the one who hated themself, and think how much love I had then. I took it for granted, I did. I was hungry for more, I love everyone but I was hungry to be loved back. Now I do not need that to love everyone. I understand my worth now. I'm wonderful. I can make friends if I try, I get love from people who genuinely care about me and want the best for me. Lovely, wonderful people. I derserve all the good I get, and all the good I can get. I'm dazzling, I'm beautiful, I have so much to give. I'm glad I can see this now, even if sadness can sometimes cloud it, I will always remember how lovely I am. I'm not a doll people can bend to their will, I'm flesh and blood. A greedy human. I'm exited for my fresh start I'll have in school. Plus I have a call I can do if anyone tries to bring up my breakup to summon my bestie HAHAHAH. I was never the kinda person to think about domestic living. My orginal life plan was to live as rambunctiously and dangerously as I could, then off myself before I got too old. But ever since I got with them I just wanna settle down when I'm older. Having a comfy sized house, a nice big backyard, a few cats, and a nice spacious kitchen. I want to welcome them when they get home with sweets I've made and a kiss on the cheek. I want to have enough money to be comfortable. I want matching mugs and rings. I want to pour them coffee in the morning, or if I wake up later they do so for me. I want to write on holiday cards for loved ones with them. I want to go shopping with them, or late night drives. Watching movies or shows in bed or on the couch. I want a life. This ideal future used to be what kept me going. Now that it isn't guaranteed I've had to use things that I have in my life rn as my fuel. Yet these thoughts still linger in my head. Ah, I'm getting emotional. I'll change the subject for my nose's sake. WOOHOO the tylenol kicked in. I miss our cat. Her name is Carrot and she's my silly guy. I'm her favorite and she bonded with me in the first 12 hours we spent together. She slept on my chest the same day she hid under the bed from me bc she didn't know me can you believe that? She was not only sleeping on my chest, she was loafing! Just 12 hours of knowing eachother! And she doesn't do that for the rest of my ex's immediate family either! Cats love me for some reason. I think they mistake me for one. I can meow really good and it makes even feral cats let me pet them. I think they think I'm a really weird looking cat, but a cat nonetheless. If only I could have custody of my sweetest baby Carrot but I have 3 dogs and plus its techniquely my ex's cat. Sigh... We planned to cap out on 4 cats because thats a lot but not a LOT. They wanted a white cat so they could name it Valentine, and we wanted a Sphynx, and probably another rescue. Obv the Sphynx would have to be our last one because they're expensive to say the least HAHAHA. Ohg little sweaters for it... my heart. Fun fact as a kid I used to hate cats. Yes burn me at the stake for that but I thought I was a wolf ok. I think my facade for hating cats started to dwindle when I started reading Warrior Cats. I stopped "hating" them after I met the sweetest elderly cat at a shelter I was volunteering at. He had no teeth or claws because I think he was an abuse case? Or maybe he was just so old that they had to be removed, the claws were def bc of the previous owner. But he was so so sweet, just layed on my lap and purred. Honestly I think my whole dislike for cats stemmed from me being kinda afraid of them? I was scared of their claws and stuff. I have a very low pain tolerance btw. It kinda scares me still but eh cats don't swipe at me. Carrot is filled with rage though and she bites ankles out of nowhere. She also wakes people up by ripping their hair out HAHAHA. Like I can see why they wake my ex up in the morning, shes hungry, but she tried waking ME up. I wonder why, maybe she really loves her dad and knows I can't stay long so she wants to make the most out of our time together. Or maybe she's just a brat cat. We'll never know. Animals tend to like me, I think it's because I understand them. If an animal doesn't wish to be pet but doesn't run away at my presence, I give it space and that usually leads to kinda moments of far away bonding. It's nice. I think I understand animals more than humans. I'm trying to get better at understanding the latter though. Ahhh I'm shaking like a leaf rn and I'm not even cold or having an anxiety attack. What's wrong with me rn? It stopped for now. I keep reading old messages and making myself sad. I was doing good too. I had gone a full 24 hours without looking at them, pretty cool right? HAHAHAH. How pathetic, I know they're over me already I think. So... why? If there is any higher being, they have a sense of humor. I may not have new shiny toys I can play with like they do, but I have people I love. I'm not running after a fast paced and exiting teen life, because as they've said before, none of this will matter in a few years. You'll keep one or two friends from highschool and that's it really. I'm enjoying my childhood, what little I have left of it. I'm enjoying it as a kid should. God Nana's burn in the Revue of Hunting just hits so hard HELP. "Your star is just a piece of space trash." Jeez Nana that isn't even a burn anymore you set her on fire. I relate to every Revstar character in their own special little fucked up qualities. I relate to Mahiru the most because. reasons. Fans will get it ^^. I am doing... so well... It's crazy how much life can change in just over a month, huh? If you told me all this stuff happened just 2 months ago I'd think you were lying. An awful liar at that. "They'd never do that to me! They're not like that at all!" I'd probably say. Even now this still feels like a bad dream. One I cannot wake up from. I miss them more than anything. Everytime I learn something new or do something that was fun I still have the instinct to tell them all about it. But then I remember we're not talking anymore. Words going on deaf ears when we do. I wonder if they do read these. Hey, if you do read these, listen to me and read these words carefully for once! Hahah. I watched the first Revstar movie recently. Rondo Rondo Rondo. It was so good and gave context for the other movie, why didn't I watch it sooner PLSSS. Love's Wicked Pitch.
End Log.
10/12/22
Hey! I haven't slept much since the last log. I'm very irratable and sleep high rn. I was angry most of today. I'm mad at everything that's going on. I'm not going to go into detail but yeah. Me and my mom went on a day out and I had fun! We had a good talk in the car on the way home which lead to both of us crying. I had an epiphany after that. I'm not going to go into detail why we cried because it's just too deep into both me and my ex's personal lives. I keep having the impulses to comment dumb things under their posts but I'm not because then I'd really get blocked everywhere lmao. When I get back into school I'm planning to change my hairstyle up everyday. I plan to start out with them being based off of Revstar characters then go on from there. I tried out Nana's hairstyle today when I was out and it looked cute on me! It wasn't the most accurate hairstyle to her's bc I have only mid neck length hair. Cut by yours truly and apparently its cute, yes I'm irresistable. I cut it while having a breakdown after I got broken up with for the first time by them HAHAHA. God is my life #fun! Maybe me changing my hairstyle up everyday will be a a point of interest to people! Perhaps friends will come my way just from that. The hairstyle I'm most exited to try is Mahiru's. I think since my hair is short the little... funny whisker hair things that she has would maybe kinda work with my hair. Being in school again will be ok now I think because I have a much different perspective on life than I did then. I know it'll hurt to be in the same classes as my ex and not be able to be near them but this isn't about them. It's Vera time! It's my turn to have a life, world! I'm so tired rn HAHAHA. I miss my ex, blegh. I miss talking to them so much but I know if I did try to talk to them rn they'd be rude and then block me to attempt to have the uperhand or the last laugh or whatever. I wish I could watch Revue Starlight with them. We used to always watch shows together. I wish I could tell them all about it. I know they used to love hearing me talk about the things I love or am passionate about. I miss that. Its crazy how much things can change in what seems like a blink of an eye huh? My sleep schedule is awful, if I wanna get back into school I need to get my sleep together HAHAHA. Whenever that time comes I'll be exited to start my new chapter, as Veratrine reborn. "The new me is a play that has yet to be seen!" hehehe. I hope good things come my way. Ok I'm going to sleep I am so tired I think I'm running on 5 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. Plus a cold front came in where I live and its so cold and comfy. Uhg this would be perfect cuddle wheater but I am not gonna think abt it because I'll just get sad again.
End Log.
11/15/22
First day of school: done! I made it! I got out early because of therapy but I made it! Why has my site been getting so many new views when I haven't updated? Mostly not unique views. Over 400 just today! That's more than when I actually update! Are you guys just little stalkers? Jk hehehe. I was in my Karen hairstyle! I made a homemade hair clip and everything. It looked good imo. Also I made a friend I think! My ex was trying to make me jealous or something because I had one class with them, and it made me want a distraction so I talked to the girl next to me! Backfired so bad their attempt, for they not only found out that the guy they like is gay, but also that I wouldn't have made that friend if it wasn't for them! You might be asking "Vera how do you know they were trying to make you jealous?". Well they knew I was in the same class as them and they were talking about the guy they liked so fucking louddd... I almost put gay instead of guy HELPPP. Everyone was making a big fuss about me being back. "[Deadname] Is a new student!" then "Oh they're back"s and dramatic oohhs and gasps came from the crowd. My childhood friend reached out about it on how everyone was making a big deal abt it for no reason. Like yeah! What the hell! I'm minding my own buisness. Why don't the rest of y'all do the same! Today was alright overall it was just after seeing my ex when it got really bad, my anxiety I mean. Once I got into my car I was on the verge of a panic attack. I got through it, let's get through tomorrow! I have a friend now so maybe it'll be easier. When I walked into that class with them I heard someone or someones going "Oh my god" over and over once they saw me I think? Leading to my ex saying "Shut up" or something along those lines. Like please everyone just give little Vera a break. I almost asked for my new friend's contact information in the most autistic way possible "Can you give me your contact information in order to strenghten our friendship/bond more for the next time we meet?" I didn't end up asking for it HAHAHA. But hey that's progress! If I was the exact same as I was before I left school I wouldn't have asked to talk in the first place! My anxiety isn't gone but I can fight through it now. I'm stronger. I'm not letting it isolate me. I'm very charasmatic I think and I hope this new me shows that side of me more. I have an image of the person I wanna be and I will crawl and climb up for it. Tomorrow my hairstyle is gonna be based off of Futaba, we have around the same length hair so not that hard. I was supposed to go back this Monday but a student can't go back the same day the re-enroll, all that mental preparation and dressing up for nothing. Honestly I'm feeling a bit of cold feet about the prospect of going tomorrow but I must fight through it! Only I should have the power of my actions and letting the anxiety of seeing my ex make me stay home well that's putting the power into someone else's hands. I'll update y'all tomorrow. Let's see what happens. Y'all are prob gonna hear a lot from me from now on HAHAHA. They blocked me on my priv and for what? Literally I didn't even look at them head on, only mind glances from my peripherals because their hair is such a bright, eye-catching blue. Most importantly I didn't even talk to them, not a peep! I can't tell what's going through their head anymore, and hopefully it's the same for them! Jeez. I like how Junna's VA looks so much the part in the plays. Like, hey thats the guy! That's the dude! Good for her! Ok Vera is ver(a)y tired. I've had too much exitement for the day, it was loud and cold and did I mention loud? I'm gonna go sleep like a baby. Love you guys always.
End Log.
11/16/22
It's that time of year again. Homecoming time. I have both good and bad memories of my first homecoming. I wasn't planning to go this year but I changed my mind as I wish to get out there more. My ex said they'd make me a Madoka Magica themed proposal. My favorite show, a show very important to us as individuals and a couple. Hours with them I spent finding out facts and reading Magia Record side stories to them. I'm actually a decently good narrator now because of that experience HAHAHA. I think a proposal like that would be so sweet. They were such a cheeseball. Love them for it tho. Last year's Homecoming they looked so beautiful. I know at least until recently they thought they were nothing special, but to me they're the most beautiful person in the world. We slow danced but I was really bad at dancing at the time so we were like in a uppercase T formation. I was the horizontal line, them the vertical. I was stepping on their feet so bad too HAHAHA. I had my eyes closed the whole time because they are like the sun. Bright, beautiful, dazzling, yet oh so blinding. I was afraid that looking at them would turn me into a puddle. My experience of the whole thing was ruined by very intense overstimulation and social anxiety, but thankfully I got my headset like halfway through. Then I started being my usual hyper self. I wanted to be king that year so bad, so when the king was annouced I walked up and said "Thank you all for voting for me!" and waved like a dumb dumb. Its gonna be hard this year, not looking at them. While last year I couldn't look at them due to their sheer beauty, this year it'll be to protect my heart. I'm sure they will look just as beautiful. Our first time slow dancing was so funny. All our firsts always have been unnecessarily convoluted, awkward, and silly. Our first time holding hands, dancing, kissing. All of them so undeniably us. All of these experiences perfectly encapsulating inexpirienced, socially awkward, love struck, head over heels teens. I started crying after our first kiss (Which wasn't until 10 months into our relationship btw!) because I was so filled with emotion and they were conviced that I thought the kiss was bad and wanted to break up with them. So it turned from a gay moment into us comforting eachother. I have never felt safer crying in front of someone. With them I would never be harmed. Even now when I'm more comfortable breaking down in front of like my mom, it has never felt as safe as I felt in their arms in that moment so vulnerable. Now I feel like I can't express any bit of emotion in front of them or risk getting hurt immensely. I've always dreamed of slow dancing with them in the kitchen, or their bedroom. Private, safe, intimate. Quiet moments between us I miss so much. I miss them so much. I would give anything just to have them back in my life again. Not as they are now, for they're being such an asshole for a lack of a better word HAHAHA. But them as a better person than the one that left me. I sure am a better person than the one they left. Yet I'm not a better person just for them, but for me too. I needed this. I needed to wake up from my pessimistic attitude and be kinder to myself. I wouldn't have learned that stuff if they hadn't left me. Not that being in a relationship with them was bad for me, but you get really comfortable in relationships I've learned, and it makes you stagnate sometimes. There's somethings you don't learn unless you go through bad life expiriences and that's how it is for me right now. I promise to never stagnate again. In a relationship with them or not. I will always continue to grow as I have been lately. It's good for me. I really do have so much to thank them for, huh? I wish I could. If I had to visualize our relationship right now, they're on a very tall tower that I'm trying to climb up, and everytime I reach them, they kick me off. But lately I've grown stronger and I will not be pushed again. All their attempts to make me hate them, I presume, have failed. Be that to their dismay or not. I want to just talk to them but that's just impossible at the moment. Safer for both of us right now. When they speak in class I know it's their voice but some of the things they say are so alien. The words don't fit in their mouth right. Something is off and at this moment I don't know what the hell is up. Blegh spilled a lot of emotions in this log, gonna end it here. I'm going as Kobeni tomorrow for dress up as a TV character day! Then my mom is letting me take off friday so yay. That's all the less interesting stuff, see you guys! Love ya!
End Log.
11/17/22
I had a anxiety attack in the middle of class lmao. Turns out I have one more class with my ex, College Prep. I wasn't doing too good to begin with and seeing them made me beg my mom to take me home already. Sadly she couldn't but I lived huh? I hate it when shit like that happens in the middle of class, I never want to make a scene. When leaving class to go home I was right behind them, as close as I used to walk behind them when we were together. I guess this got me impulsive and I went "Boo!" to which they didn't react whatsoever. So I added a "I wanted to jumpscare you" to boot, to which they glanced over at me and said a very confused "Ok?" and walked away from me. I took the hint and went away too, but for a quick moment I felt that child-like sense of wanting to tease that I used to feel when I was together with them. I wanted to talk to them and give them a hug in the moment after I said boo. It was warmth and happiness I hadn't felt in awhile. Then I was crashed back to earth by their response. It wasn't the laugh and the equally stupid tease that my subconcious probably expected. While walking away I felt tears welt up in my eyes but I walked it off. To me, and maybe others, they aren't acting like themself. When I hear them talk in class they sound like every other little shit in school. If they read this they're probably clutching their pearls at that comment but it's true. If they wanted to blend into the crowd so much I can barely tell the difference between them and the hundreds of other kids in our school like them right now, then they succeeded. I still love them even as they are now, though. I yearn so much for a future where all of this is just a painful yet midly humorous memory. One we can look back on as us being dumbass teenagers. Some part of me wishes we would've dated a little later, I think I've mentioned this before, but things played out how they were supposed to. Let's see how they continue playing out. I'm taking tommorow off but am still going to homecoming with my brother if they let him in. Once again, love that guy, don't know what I'd do without him. Highschool messes with people's heads. Everyone thinks they know everything because "I'm 15/16!" what a fucking joke. I guess the reason I feel so protective is because I've always found myself to be the caretaker of all my friends. The only "mature" one (more like the one that actually has at least 1% of common sense). So perhaps deep down I just feel like a mother to my friends. I've been told that sometimes I'm forgotten to be the youngest of my (no longer existing) friend-group. So whenever they are being rebellious or whatever I guess that motherly instict comes in. I know what they'd tell me, "I need no ones protection!" But that doesn't stop me from wanting to. A parent cannot stop their child from rebelling, I as another in fact younger kid, cannot stop my best friend from going down the wrong path. Such is life, such is the brain of a teenager. Such is the brain of a kid too tall. The mindset I think they have is not alien to me. I too wish to be accepted, new shiny things seem so beautiful but once you get close to them they were nothing more then a piece of glass reflecting something much brighter. I was selfish once. I guess this is their turn to be selfish huh? My now abandoned dream of becoming popular in highschool made them feel inadequate. "Don't forget me once you're at the top, ok?" Is what they told me. Now that they're at the top they're trying to forget me I presume. Erasing all they have of me. Possibly hoping it will erase me from their memory. Maybe it's working, I wouldn't know. I wish they knew half of how much I love them. Adore them. Even now, even then, forever, and always. Now I truly understand what they meant by none of this mattering. It feels like the whole world right now, but highschool doesn't matter at all. Soon it will be a bad dream within our memory. All these kids will be faint memories. I understand that fully now. Like not that long ago we (being me, my mom, and my brother) saw who was the most popular kid in my mom's highschool, outside a McDonald's with a big gulp wearing the same shirt for 2 days straight. Like popularity in highschool doesn't mean shit, doesn't stop you from being a blue shirt guy on the side of the road with a big gulp and nowhere to go. I doubt they read these logs. Sorry for being so emotional. Seasonal depression, my period, and going through a breakup are fucking kicking my ass. I still wonder why I'm getting so many not unique visists without even updating sometimes. Today marks 2 months since I last had a sleepover with them. Only two months. We could've never predicted this. This ending that seems so finite at the moment. How? I wonder that everyday. Just two months ago I was getting spoiled by them as always. Only for all this to happen. Changing Log.
11/18/22
Sorry I wrote the last log really late as its 12 now HAHAHA. Uh lets change subject because I am ill in the head. Uh so Love Cobra? What's that about huh? It'd be funny if it wasn't Revstar related at all but one can dream. I swear I'm going blind, fuck. Maybe I'm paranoid. My ex would always slightly beg for me to start losing vision so I could wear glasses, which I look "cute" in HAHAHA. I have a weak spot for people with glasses *cough* them *cough*, so I get where they're coming from. Perhaps its the air of intellegence and maturity they bring, but that said they were the dumbest smart person I knew. Super smart, wants to go to med school, but also really dumb for things that would seem like common sense or things a child would know. Never minded teaching them, but would sometimes be taken aback by their questions. GAH I went back to talking about them. HAHAHA. Uhmm let me talk about myself, people love talking about themselves, right? Ahhg but most of my memories include them, and most facts about me could include them tooooo. Ok I shouldn't pressure myself, this is my diary-blog thing. And here I talk about the things I love right? That includes them, yay. Even if they lowkey highkey hate me or something rn lol. Let me talk about how much Madoka Magica Changed my life. I found pmmm at a very low point in my life. A time where my life felt meaningless and useless, but after watching it on a whim a lot of my views changed. Sure I was still a pessimistic downer but I had quotes from it that kept me going, that keep me going. Quotes such as "There's awful, horrible things in this world, but there's lots of things worth protecting too. I know that now." and "If someone says it's wrong to have hope, I will tell them they're wrong every single time. I know my determination will never waver." Are lines I still live by to this day. Especially the latter at the moment. I was the main cast's ages when I first watched it. 8th grade, and also going through bad shit. I got my ex, but then best friend, to rewatch it, and it became our show. We watched the movie together many times. After our first kiss we watched it so I could calm down. Our go to to put on at sleepovers. Magia Record being a huge part of us for the longest. Images, analysis, and refrences exchanged between us. Our show. Even now I can't brave rewatching it. How much pain it would bring. Even before all this, watching it would remind me of them and would make me miss them more. They were the Homura to my Madoka, but honestly I've always related more to Kyoko HAHAHA. But Kyoko and Homura have... something going on def. Strong bromance if you will. Their actions recently are far from anything Homura would do and everyday lately I start to relate more to her sooo I'm taking their Homura IRL status! Jk. Maybe Homura would do this in 10th grade too maybe. Their main petname for me was angel, and I try to live by that standard. An angel. It was more of a title than a petname to me. I don't know much about religion but I know that angels are probably kind and powerful too right? Flamming swords or whatever. Religous folks forgive me for my ignorance. I will be cute and kind and sweet or whatever but I will also be powerful and confident. Take down anything in my path. Just like Madoka, I will never give up hope, I will never stop fighting for the future I want. I will try my hardest to remain kind just like her. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes I waver and my character breaks due to strong emotion, but I will always go back to being kind. It's important to me, kindness. I will be my loved ones light. No matter how dark the situation may be, even concrete glitters. Glimmers of hope aren't lost. Your hope, your love, your faith, aren't gone. Let no one take that away from you, even yourself. Forgive my midly crazed ramblings. I am heartbroken, I am love-struck, I am happy, I am sad, I'm doing my best, I'm doing my worst. Everything all at once. I am love-struck by the same person who's broken my heart so many times now. I will accept all these feelings for that is all I can do. Today it was kinda funny. Without any context on who we were supposed to be for the character day, it kinda looked like we were matching. They were wearing a white dress, and I was wearing a suit. Fate? Maybe. Coincidence? Most likely. Still funny. I'm running out of things to talk about and I'm tired, I'll talk to you guys tommorow, love you!
End Log.
I wish I could be as brave as the girls in Revue Starlight when it comes to facing a estranged lover. They face them head on, literally and metaphorically. While all I do is run away and avoid. I guess that's one thing we've always had in common, running away from things that scare us. We used to be magnets that attracted but its like we've been flipped and now all we do is repel. But the thing is, we aren't magnets. We're humans that can swallow our pride and face our differences head on. Yet neither of us want to yet. Or more like neither of us can yet. That "Boo!" I said to them was the first time I talked to them in real life in months, first time we heard eachothers voices since October 2nd, and first time we talked in any form in what today is 4 weeks. I thought that all the time I've given them would change their attitude a little bit, but no. I guess some people grow slower than others and that's just what I have to learn. They're being as childish as ever. Trying to make me jealous, trying to ignore me or giving me the dryest responses known to man. Oh I have to stop writing because this part of the play is so good. "WATASHI NO NA WA CLAIREEE. OKASHITA HOSHI TSUMIIII. FUTARI NO YUME WA SOUUUU KANAWANAI KANAWANAIII KESSHITEEEEEEE" Too good too good. They're a big theatre kid, I just know they'd love RevStar. I hope that one day I can show it to them. A new show of ours for a new us. I know that if I ever want to talk to them again, I will have to wait until they're ready. While when we first broke up they had to wait for me to forgive them, now the ball is in their court. But I guess the one thing I have control of in this situation is whether or not I will let them back into my life, and back into my heart. I guess it's not an if question but more of a when, y'know. The real if question is if that time will ever come, them maturing enough again to talk to me. The stage seems so fun. Oh yeah I sit around these people at lunch that act a lot like me, and I wanna talk to them but I'm too shy. They complimented my Miku shirt the day before yesterday though! In a way that people who are weird in the way I am compliment stuff. By yelling "HATSUNE MIKU?" and me yelling back "ITS THE GUY, ITS THE DUDE!". School outside of the anxiety and stuff had been ok! Uhg but I hate seeing couples blegh. A lot of it is guys expecting their gf to be their mom. Gross to look at. Oh yeah and the teacher I was close to last year was so exited for me to be back, she gave me a nice hug. I felt like crying afterwards because I didn't expect kindness that day. I wish that everyone who has made my day knew that they made my day. That's why I always say I love you guys. Seeing how many of you look at my stuff and come back to it makes me so happy. Even if the number has been suspiciously high lately, are y'all very interested in the Vera School Saga? I am too honestly. Every day is no longer monotonous and are now adventures, be they good or bad. I think in recent time I have cried more than I have my entire life. Uhgg Daisy Bell, especially the IBM 7094 version make me cryyy. Such a lovely song, such a lovely device. I'd love to memorize it, the whole song I mean. It means so much to me. Back when I couldn't even leave my bed because I was so sad the song comforted me immensely. I remember that when we were together, me and my ex felt like we could never get close enough to eachother. We would cuddle and it wouldn't feel like enough. It felt like our souls themselves ached to touch each other. It's a feeling thats hard to describe. I wish I could feel that again. I'm going to see them again tonight. Except they won't be the face in the crowd I immediately run to, they will be the face I try to run from. I don't want to run from them, but it's the safest bet for me. They're not the person I fell in love with right now, they're the completely different person I'm still in love with. I cannot expect endless kindness and gentleness from them anymore. I'll just stick by my brother. I'll try to look beautiful too, I want to be the most blinding person there. This is Veratrine and they're not going anywhere anytime soon! Unless I get killed but then I don't have much say huh. I wish I could have a revue with them HAHAHA. Tell me your feelings... now! I'll tell you mine! And I'll fight you with this cool sword!
End Log.
11/21/22
Short log as I am busy. But today would've been me and my ex's 19 month anniversary yayyy. Ahh conffeti and stuff. I am so sad. Also I wasn't able to go into homecoming due to my brother not being able to come in with me so I thought what was the point of anything if my brother wasn't there. We had fun while waiting in line though. We bring out the best/worst of eachother and I feel more confident when he's around. We were very loudly saying stupid shit so it was silly. I bet if they didn't break up with me I'd be hanging out with them today or something or planning to go somewhere. Sigh... Atleast turkey day is coming up. Also the reason I'm busy is because of my new shrine section! Self promo check it out. Working on the Revstar One rn, I won't go in order on the list though. Just whatever I feel like doing that day or moment. Ok well I wasn't lying when I said short log! Love you guys!
End Log.
11/28/22
I've been coding a shit ton today. I can barely type right now and I think I'm developing carpal tunnel. I know that if I were still together with my ex they'd make me take a break a long time ago. I would've listened and talked to them until one of us fell asleep. Now I do not have those reminders. Therefore causing my hours long sessions of doing something with no break. I am barely eating my first meal of the day and my writing feels so janky. Can you go to school when your hand's fucked? Lol. Short log today, I'm busy with my DDLC shrine. Check it out once it's done! I literally took the day off to work on it HAHAHAH. I am a loser. When it does come out, make sure to check all the nooks and crannies!
End Log.
11/29/22
All that coding... In just 3 days... I'm gonna nap.
End Log.
11/30/22
It's far too late to be up on a school night but I'm listening to Ado in the first time in months and I feel unstable. This woman's voice is insane, and she only recently turned 20! Like what? Super talented truly. I think the last time I watched her was her stream, it was the day of my ex breaking up with me for the first time. I was delusional that day, and hearing her voice calmed me. Now listening to it brings me back into that point in my life. Scared, desprate. I guess I still am, huh? My hands aren't as fucked today, but I can't draw for the life of me. I guess thinking back on that point in my life, I'm sad I couldn't do more "couple" stuff with them. I never got to bake with them, feed them cake from my fork, kiss their forehead, make them coffee when they wake up. Stuff like that. Winter... winter we always hung out. The only winter I didn't spend with them was 2020's for obvious reasons. Ah, today marks 3 years since our first sleepover. It was my first sleepover with someone outside of family. My first friend sleepover. We has so much fun that day, though we did get sick the day after because we underbaked the cookies we made HAHAHA. I can't believe that was 3 years ago. I remember that night I felt kinda flustered by seeing them dozing off while sitting next to me because I guess littler me thought it was cute. I didn't think much of it then. There was nothing to think about, really, at the time atleast. To this day I haven't had sleepover that was outside of the family that wasn't them. This might seem selfish but I wish I got to wake up with them more. Be able to open my eyes and see them there. I never got that homesick feeling I felt at family sleepovers when I was on sleepovers with them. They were home. Even now I feel that way, but now I'm homesick. I never thought I'd be able to feel romantic love. But one day I got hit by Cupid's arrow, or in this case love's wicked pitch. I guess love is only good when it's convienient. When I loved them when we were together it was a good thing, now it's a bad thing. Just when I thought I understood love, I was wrong. Does anyone really understand it? A chemical reaction in one's brain. Some people don't experience it, and those that do are just as confused about it. Is that true? I guess one thing that points this feeling of being "true love", whatever that means, its that I've never seen my ex as a saint free of flaws. They have problems just like everyone else. Sometimes I see those problems in the first row. Just like the audience in the first row, I am but a viewer. I cannot change the narrative of their story. But unlike the audience I used to be able to make them feel a little better. I can't do that anymore but I'm glad I was able to be a comfort for them at some point. I've never had a romantasized version of them in my head. When they were upset I didn't think it went against any narrative in my head about their character. I knew them for who they were truly, and I loved them, I love them. I'm being really sappy in this, I'm prob just tired. I'm gonna play videogames with my brother, love ya!
End Log.
12/02/22
Shorter log today and it's way too late to be writing here, again. Damn November went by in a flash huh? Anxiety has been eating me up lately and I constantly feel sick lately. Vera gets medicated soon like to power reblog to cast. Not much to say today other than I called my brother in school and it was fun! Uhg I don't wanna go tomorrow, I feel sick.
End Log.
12/03/22
Gender Stuff
I'm gonna start titling some of these now if I see fit. As you can tell by the title I will be talking about my gender, more so my expression of it. I'm AFAB but if you asked me my gender when I was little, I would've said I was a boy. I was the type of little boy who thought girls were gross and hated anything remotely feminine. That included the color pink unfortunately, but as you can tell from my site, it's my favorite color now HAHAHAH. Nowadays I still wish to look masculine, but only physically. I want to dress femininely. I can't find out where to start though. I don't really have enough money to buy cute clothes nor do I know how to make an outfit. So I stick with my button-ups and my jeans. I only have two skirts at the moment. One I got in Feburary and one that was given to me by my ex. They're both cute, and they're both pink. I just never know when to wear them. I guess subconciously I'm still getting through the whole "anything feminine on me is bad" mindset. A lot of people even now think I'm a guy. Kinda sucks, but to me it's a bit better than being confused for a girl ig. I just want everyone to see me and go "Ah yes, a cat" HAHAHAH. If I had to define my gender its "Magical Girl Catboy Dad Lesbian". Lovely, I know. I want to buy more skirts, but I'm afraid my dad might make fun of me. But like who cares about my dad! I'll wear what I want. Goal is to buy lots of cute clothes! Just wanted to get this out there.
End Log.
12/06/22
I'm currently putting more effort into learning japanese. I want to be able to understand stage plays I appreciate in full, y'know. Japanese is gonna be one of hopefully many languages I learn. Oh yeah I went to school yesterday, saw my ex. They very much are acting super weird, at least to me. It's so weird, they look like the person I knew for all those years, but they don't act like them. Almost a different person and not in a good way at all. They're like every other little shit now. I know I've said that before but its true. Anyways I felt really oddly calm. Like even in classes with them I felt really calm. Little to no anxiety whatsoever. I think it's because I had curled my hair as yesterday was styling my hair as Claudine Saijo day. I got her confidence or something HAHAHA. Tomorrow I'm gonna curl my hair a bit again for Nana's look. I honestly looked like a 50's house-wife other than Claudine, but hey I tried. I am an ex malewife so it fit. Ok I'm gonna split this log in two to accommodate my new titling system. I hope to make a little tiny index here you can go to certain logs that are titled so that people who don't want to read through my unorganized ramblings and venting don't have to.
End Log.
Revstar Lives Thoughts
With Pictures!
Ok whilst writing this I am watching the live on the side. Today I will be talking about the Starry Diamond live! I do not know much about the game therefore I do not know much about some of the characters in this live. I barely know their names HAHAHA. Like there's Michiru... Akira... uhh Rui... Lalafin... Mei Fan... uhh Shiori... Yachiyo... yeah... They exist, they're there, they'll probably mean something to me one day. I'm personally very scared of the one with the two guns. Last person I would wanna be in a revue in next to Mahiru and Lalafin... that hammer... ueegh. Ok anyways onto the live. This live was very interesting to me as there was a lot of moments where more than one person won the revue. In fact in the Revue of Canis Minor (what a name) all of the girls win! Ok learning a bit about the history of the constalation, this revue's song makes more sense to me. I thought they just wanted to be dogs. Extreme dissonance between that revue and the previous revue btw, that revue being the Revue of Taurus. I really REALLY like that revue. (Why am I going out of order for these revues idk). Ok where do I start. The song is just wonderful. Always really love it when Nana is in a song; Moeka is super talented! When I first watched this revue I wasn't aware that multiple people could win these revues (I had only watched this revue at the time), so I thought Maya was just doing what she had to, but no. She was literally just being an asshole. Even so, SUPER unnecessary to cut up Nana's back like that. Oh yeah really love the ponzu sauce's appearence in this too HAHAHA.
I also really love the perfomance of Maho in this, but that's expected. It's Maho. The shit eating grin she does when she's betraying Nana makes me chuckle, giggle even.
I have to admit this revue got me interested in the two twins' story. The VA of one of the twins is also the voice of Pareo so I am also familiar with her, but once again I'm not used to this lower tone HAHAHA. I really love the choreo of this revue. It's super fun and silly, which fits the song perfectly. Also how does Claudine even win? What does she do? Anyways once again I must move on, to the Revue of Auriga. Once again super fun choreo! I want to meet whoever made this choreo and give their hand a nice shake. I like when Junna has dork moments. Brings joy to my heart. Like the part where she jumps like a cat when Lalafin swings that godforsaken hammer. I really like it when everyone cheers when Lalafin does the "Henshin!" thing. This revue is Junna autism moments. I also don't understand how she even wins this revue either. I just dont get a lot of these wins PLSSS. Lastly, the Revue of Orion. Admittedly I watch this revue the least. The song didn't really stand out to me. Though I am impressed by Hikari's VA for being able to stand still for so long. These women's voices are amazing though! Sorry I don't have much to write aobut this one, so here's some miscellaneous images that don't really fit into anything I was writing about. (Very hard to take ss when they're in motion)
12/08/22
I did something weird this morning. I've been acting strange lately. Irrational fears taking me over. I got out of the car and started walking parallel from the school. I was walking off to god knows where. Me even doing this caused me to laugh out of shock. I obviously got picked up but I don't understand why or how I did that. I can't keep letting my fears control me like this. I've barely been going to school lately. I've been trying to act confident and stuff but it's hard. I know what I'm scared of. Them. Hiding from them like a child hides under the covers from the monster in their closet. It's kinda silly because I was so calm the other day. I hope I go tomorrow. I really do. I can't run forever. I have to show everyone who I am now. I'm not the shut in I was, even though sometimes I want to go back to that life. It's easier but I was going nowhere in that direction of life. I was comfortable but I was miserable. I still am miserable but atleast I can look at different concrete walls than the ones at home. I wish I wasn't so afraid to see them, but its so odd to see them. They have their face, but its not them. It's scary. Out of context but I like it when in the lives they just start dancing like mad men, gives me a giggle. I need to shower and stuff today. Just need to get my head together. I don't want to ruin my life anymore than I already have.
End Log.
12/15/22
Writing this log over a hot cup of chai that has wayyy to much milk. I've been so hungry lately, even hungry when I'm full. It's odd, I usually don't feel hunger. I'm gonna make myself some rice once I'm done with this tea. I managed to think up a dream that involves only me and is entirely for myself. That is to get to the point where I feel like my art can make people feel things, and to be able to tell stories through my work. I hope one day to make a comic or even a show based on the stories my head creates. I think I can make this happen. I haven't been drawing a lot lately outside of doodles. I might show those doodles on my art page. I want to paint something uhgggg. My hand doesn't want to cooperate. I've been thinking about my deep love for my interests. I think that before falling for my ex, the closest thing I felt to having a crush was my hyperfixations. The way certain stuff just gives me butterflies and makes my brain like ahhhhh. Uhgg I wish I had people to talk about Revue Starlight with. My go to person to infodump to was my ex, but they're not in my life rn. Mmm I have to get used to talking abt my interests with other people. I have so much I wanna say! I want to make other people happy with what makes me happy! This sucks! Ok this log is hours in the making due to me going to Sonic's.
End Log.
12/16/22
Ahhh I'm so happy!! Today I talked to not one, not two, but 5 people! An old friend, my new friends, and some I think soon to be friends! Those people who complimented my Miku shirt talked to me and gave me chocolate! It was so nice! I also talked a lot in my last period and I hope that shows people they can talk to me! Vera socializing! I have done the thing. I hope that me and my new friends and rekindled friendships will continue to strengthen! I wish these people knew how much they made my day. I really appreaciate every kind interaction with people. Whenever someone shows kindness to me (and they can't see me) I start jumping around and happy blushing. Humans can be really nice sometimes. I can't find the meme format but I want to make one that's like "I believe in the inherent kindness of people." I guess it's refreshing after all the negative interactions I've had in recent months. Speaking of which I saw them today, at the front of the school at release time. For the splitest of seconds I felt a pang of exitement "Oh my girlfriend! I gotta hug them goodbye!" I thought for an ever fleeting moment. Then I remembered that we aren't even friends right now and went back to reality. I wish I could hug them. A hug would be so nice right now, from anyone even. My old friend ig is more of a touchy friend and gave me a kinda side hug and it was nice, I missed human contact. Even when we were together me and my ex were never able to see eachother much, especially outside of school. When I stopped going to school our time together was further cut. We've spent time together only once during the time of our sophomore year. We have very different schedules, especially then. I was a complete shut-in with a completely free schedule and nothing to fill it, and they were always busy. I know it won't be the same as theirs but, I hope one of my friends hugs me, or a kind teacher maybe. That would make my day, week even. I know in the past I saw friendships as a chore, since it caused me to actually get out of the house and do stuff PLSSS. But now I understand that in order to make something as beautiful as close, meaningful friendships bloom, one must water them. I'm exited for my new friendships! People can't call me friendless loser now, huh? Jk I don't think anyone has said that...at least I hope not. Well other than me ofc PLSSS. Over this break there will be two pleasant yet now painful anniversaries coming up. NO, 3. (The third one isn't pleasant.) That being what would be me and my ex's 20 month anniversary, and the one year anniversary of this lovely date we had. Also another anniversary I am not comfortable with sharing here but it'll be 3 years since then on New Years. Last year they helped me through me annual New Years panic attack by calling me so that I could calm down by distracting myself. It was very nice. Dear last year me: Honey you've got a big storm coming! HAHAHA. Oh unrelated but I've gotten deeper into my japanese studies! I can read every hiragana and katakana now! Plus I've learned a number of kanji as well. Remember kids: Learn the radicals, not the strokes! Jk that's just what I recommend, do what ya want. I am very... very slow at reading anything atm, so that def needs work HAHAHA. Further out of context, I got the fuckin. Autism Rabbit. Please look:
"I am beautiful, therefore I am loved."
End Log.
12/19/22
Starry Session:
The live that never was
Starry Session is a familiar name if Revue Starlight has taken over your life like it has mine(If it has please reach out I would love to make friends that also like Revstar.). If it isn't here's a rundown of what it was... or would be? It was supposed to be a live that would've happened somewhere in April 2020. For obvious reasons it was cancelled. It would have featured songs from the anime and game covered by other characters. Which is a super fun concept! Thankfully atleast the covers were released March 24th, 2021 (according to this wiki article.). The lyrics of the songs were altered slightly to fit some of the characters dialects/speech patterns. The implementation of some of these are hit or miss for me, makes some of the song beats off imo, but I respect the attention to detail! Some moments of these changes that stand out to me are the interactions between Maya and Nana in their cover of Otte Owarete no Sirius. In the first part of their cover they are covering the lyrics of the childhood friends Futaba and Kaoruko, who by extent talk very casually to eachother, but Nana and Maya do not have that sort of relationship so Maya speaks in a polite manner and Nana is less... accusatory than Kaoruko. Saying things like "You sure are selfish" instead of "You're so selfish". Also Maya using "nasai" after saying a order. Oh and the funniest part of this song is when Maya says the line "It's about having someone who can watch your back." to which Nana responds with "Huh, didn't you just betray me the other day!?" It's so unnecessarily funny. Oh covers like Kaoruko's Hoshiboshi no Kizuna are something I couldn't have dreamed up in my wildest imagination but... it doesn't sound weird? It actually sounds good?? Everyone please stop me from bringing up another cover Nana is in please. Ok to prevent myself from doing so I will bring up another cover that I couldn't have dreamed up. Kaoruko, Mahiru, and Futaba's cover of You are a ghost, I am a ghost ~Gekijou no Ghost~. I thoroughly enjoy the orginal of this song and this version is actually really enjoyable! You wouldn't think Mahiru's more cuter sounding voice would fit a song like this but it does! I like how Futaba sings in this song, hearing her voice hitting those higher notes is satisfying. Off topic a little but uhgg the little character interactions in these I would've loved to see one stage. I really hope they haven't abandoned this project entirely, live wise, because I know I'm not the only person who wants to see these songs performed. I would love to see the acting for Ittousei no Procyon, I know Maho always wanted to perform a cuter song like this from what I've seen in the MC's of other lives. Koi no Makyuu in particular but sadly she wasn't chosen for that. And if you've seen the live stream she was very unhappy when her name wasn't picked out of that box HAHAHA. Speaking of that live stream, it sure was something! Yet that live stream is but a small part of the Starry Session saga. I know that there are a few songs in here that other fans were ecstatic abt: Maya and Claudine's cover of Fancy You, Nana and Junna's cover of Rose Poems, and I think maybeee Karen and Mahiru's Hanasaka Uta. All of which are very good. Which, again, I WISH WE COULD'VE SEEN THESE LIVE WAAAA. I'm so curious on how some of the acting would've been. I'm gonna end this log here as I'm watching live songs I haven't listened to previously. Thanks for reading my jumbled thoughts!
End log.
12/20/22
I usually don't bring up social media stuff on here because uhgg it causes the worst mind games known to man. Anyways, posted a recent work of mine onto my art account, normal stuff. I go to sleep and as I usually do I checked my phone as soon as I woke up. I went to check my new post story just to see who saw it, and saw my exes insta icon and was VERY confused as they had blocked me on that account maybe a month ago now? They've unblocked me for whatever reason and checked my art account story? At first I thought "Oh obv they just unblocked me to ss my art and make fun of it with their friends" (which seems in character for this new them) but while that could very much be a possibility, why did they go out of the way to look at my story? Was it a misclick? I should prob just block them on that account. Knowing me I prob won't but I should . If they actually just unblocked my account to make fun of my work then it's better to nip that problem in the bud. Anyways I took a Revue Starlight Uquiz and I got Hikari HAHAHA. Let me take more this is fun. UHH I JUST GOT THE NOTIF THEY'RE FOLLOWING ME NOW??? UHM WHAT. NOW THEY'RE NOT WHAT THE GENUINE FUCK? AND THEY LOOKED AT MY SECOND STORY??? WHAT?? I am so confused rn. I'll update tomorrow prob I don't have much to say rn and I have to do my japanese lessons or else my teacher (me) will yell at me. If they do read these logs they'll prob block me after this.
End Log.
12/21/22
Today would've been our 20 month anniversary and its the 1 year anniversary of a nice date we had. I wish today could've been a happy day, but instead it's a mournful one. I need distractions HAHAHA. I'm making this site so disorganized. Like I work on something, drop it for the time being, and pick someonething else up. On that note I want to make my yuri manga shrine PLSS. Well it's my site, I'll go do that.
End Log.
12/22/22
Finished the home page for the yuri manga shrine but I'm realizing now that I'm gonna have to reread all of these to get my reviews straight HAHAHA. It'll be awhile til' it's actually up, but I had a lot of fun making the home page! I'm not sure if the homepage is entirely finished yet but it is for now. Short log because I have to get reading. Wish me luck for the inevitable pain that will come from reading romantic stuff in the state I'm in! PLSSS
End log.
12/29/22
Long time, no log. Not many interesting things have happened recently. Went to therapy, celebrated christmas. Just normal stuff! I came to write here because I noticed that I'm really influenced by media. Not in a bad or negative sense no, but like if a character does something that peaks my interest, then I want to do it. For example, becoming a magical girl orrr a stage actor. Right now I wanna write a stage play just bc Nana does it! Like what would I even make a stage play about! Sure I'm ok at writing but fictional stories aren't my forte. I don't have much of a imagination, you see. I was the kid that lined up their toys and not make up stories or whatever kids are "supposed" to do. Though the thought is captivating... nope not going to start another pipe dream... but maybe... Ok once again I ask myself, what would I write about? HAHAHA. My brain is melting I did over 100 cards on Anki in one sitting bc I was behind and then re-reviewed katakana and hiragana. Def enough japanese for today ^^. Idk what else to write about other than my legs hurt like hell and my uterus hates me.
End log.
1/06/23
My autism rabbit came in around two days ago! I love it, it's very soft. I took it to school with me. It's my little buddy now. I don't really have much to say, as nothing too exiting has happened recently. Perhaps later today I will make a log on the collectors edition of the revstar bluray! It's coming in soon. I'm so so exited. I'll catch y'all later.
End Log.
1/07/23
Revstar Collector's Edition Blu Ray Review
It's here! I got it yesterday but I've been procrastinating making this log due to me taking my time to enjoy the set. Ok lets start off with the box!
Here's the innards
End log.
1/09/23
I've been feeling really sad lately. I miss when I wouldn't be too dissapointed when waking up from a good dream because I knew real life was just as good or better. I remember that I would be relieved when I would wake up from nightmares but nowadays real life is probably equal to them. I cry and feel better, but only for a short while. Am I reborn each time I cry? Perhaps so. I know that crying helps nothing of my situation. My tears and quiet sobs drowned out by the ambience of the night. "What does it matter?" I sometimes wonder, but crying atleast helps me a little. Emotions processed, the lid coming off the pot when boiling so it doesn't explode from the pressure. Sometimes, if it matters to atleast you, it's important. I've been realizing recently that I'm not gonna be a kid for much longer. Sure I'm 15 now, but in a few months it will be my birthday. Then only 2 years will have to pass until I reach that "big" number. 18. What am I gonna do with my life? I no longer have a clear answer. Nor do I know how I'm gonna even be then. Will I be happy? Will I be the same as I am now? Objectively better but emotion wise doing awful? Guess there's no point in thinking about it. "Live in the present." I've been told many a time recently. I suppose they're right. I'm either living so deep in the past I refuse to understand where I am now, or I look so deep into a future I'm not sure will exist. Right now I am no longer in those happy moments, and I am not there in the future of uncertainty. I am here, on my computer, writing a blog entry. I am 15, I am heartbroken, and I am writing a blog entry. "I think I conjured you," A quote from a series I used to really like that tends to bounce around my head lately. "Did I dream you?" All I can do is wonder. I have school tomorrow and I'm not even sure if I will sleep tonight, or cry myself to full conciousness. Forgive my solemn tone, I tend to get sad around this time these days. I can no longer drink coffee, a drink I enjoy, leisurely anymore, or at all. All because if I do I will most definitely have a panic attack. Power. Power, another person has power over me. A person who is not in my life right now has power over me. It's unfair. I want to drink drinks I like, I want to be able to eat more than a few bites, I want to be able to spend my nights doing something other than crying, I want to go to school without fearing what certain classes will bring. Leave my heart alone. Let me live, not just survive. Once again apologies for being cynical and perhaps edgy. I might come back tomorrow of a little blog entry on the Orchestra Live, see y'all then.
"Listen young girl, this Rondo will end someday."
End Log.
1/10/23
I cried a lot last night, I was trying to watch the entirety of Starry Konzert but I keep on crying. Blegh it sucked. Even now I feel like I'm on the verge of tears even though I feel ok rn. I also feel very sickly. I'm gonna try to draw something. I may be here later. Weeheee.
End Log.
1/16/23
Starry Desert Thoughts
Starry Desert was a live held on December 22nd, 2018. It starts off from some songs from the game, all of which are very good! My personal favs are Koi wa Taiyou and You are a ghost I am a ghost ~Gekijou no Ghost~. The choreo for Koi wa Taiyou was fun! I like the sorta puppet feel it had. Gekijou no Ghost just has this amazing feel and the lighting is so good and uhggg I love it a lot. Singing these songs in the begginging seems to be routine for these perfomances. Usually lasting for the first hour or so of the event and then they get onto what I like to call the "Main course". See if a live was a meal, these songs would be the apatizers (really fucking good apatizers), the last bit where they stop using the handheld microphones are the main course, and the encore is desert. Oh yeah in the last performance before the "Main course", Discovery, Nana and Claudine jump over Junna and Kaoruko. Like in a leap frog way. Idk but it's cool to me. Like "Holy shit she just jumped over her!" Hmm so this isn't a super duper long log I'm gonna end my review on the "Apitizers" here. Onto Sekai wo Hai ni Suru Made. Let me say how much I adore the little fight sequences. The sounds of the clangs are so satisfying. Hinata(Junna's VA) is killing her performance as always. The choreo for this song is simple but effective. Outside of the fight sequences they don't really move much, and they don't really need to. The lack of movement fits in a way. Oh yeah the sequence where Karen comes in is so cool like ahhh!! I like how the spot light reveals her from practically out of nowhere. The bravado Momoyo takes on here as opposed to the original high pitched tone makes a great part just so much better. Oh yeah props to Junna for actually throwing off her jacket. The only other one that does that after this is Futaba. Which is sad because I thought it was a cool detail. Alright ontoooo The Star Knows. Uhgg The Star Knows is just so good. Along with her singing, Hinata's acting in this performance is just amazing. The glares they give eachother in the beggining before duking it out are muah, chef's kiss. I really love the incoperation of lasers and spotlights to represent the arrows being shot! The sheer desperation in Junna's voice here is... dare I say better than the anime. Not saying the anime's ver is bad it's just that I feel like the delivery here properly represents Junna's emotions in this moment. Her need to win. She cannot lose her and you can feel that. Momoyo's cracking voice in the speaking parts is also really good as Karen is also desprate, she also needs to win this. Unfortunate that Junna loses but it's expected. Ok now we have another one of my fav songs in this performance, Hokori to Ogori. Maho's voice's power is so immense that this performance gives me chills. I also enjoy how she sounds much more accusatory and mocking in her lines in this ver. This is another one of those perfomances where they don't move much but her movements with her hands just perfectly represent her sheer power. Frequently flexing them, giving a claw sort of impression. Everything about Maya in this performance SCREAMS intimidating. You can really tell Karen stood no fucking chance. I love the way she growls her lines at the end. Now... for the moment I've personally been waiting for. Both my favorite song and performance... Koi no Makyuu! The amount of stuff going on in this revue is so fun! The background people moving the suzdal cats and the little Karen and Mahiru chasing eachother is so fun! Also the screen where you can see Karen just running around in the lobby always makes me giggle. Speaking of Karen I love her obvious discomfort throughout most of the song. I also really like how they just start. hitting baseballs out of nowhere. It's so silly I love it. Haruki's baton spinning is always a treat to watch, she's so so good at it! I can't even comprehend how she does it. One of my favorite parts is definently when she throws it up into the air, and it fucking SPINS, and she CATCHES IT. LIKE HOLY SHIT. It that were me it would go up and fall on my head. Their expressions in this performance are so good. A fake smile on Mahiru's face in the first part turning into a genuine one after Karen's words. Once again wish that Mahiru didn't have to lose to Karen but alas the plot must go on. After this revue Ki-ringtone plays and it cuts to Hanasaka Uta. I like the use of the sort of retro microphones they "use" in this perfomance. It fits Kaoruko and Futaba somehow. I enjoy the way Futaba dips the mic on the "TE!". My favorite part of this revue is when they switch mics and pick up eachother's weapons and pass them to eachother like some sort of fucked up tag team match. OH YEAH the falling sakura petals is such a nice touch. I know it wasn't intentional at all but I like how a petal falls on Futaba after she throws off her jacket. It feels like it could have some sort of meaning. Oh no what's next are two perfomances with Nana let's hope I don't talk your ear off with these ones. This performance made me fall for this song, Re:Create. Nana's scary face and calm singing is such a good juxaposition. I love how this live interprated the part where Hikari's dagger grows. The stage itself opens up and background dancers that I think are supposed to represent the waves come out. Once again I will bring up the expressions because THEY'RE SO GOODDD. Hikari's worried eyebrows throughout most of the performance just really help represent her wistfulness if that makes sense? Does any of this make sense? I don't know. Hikari wins though, this will be the first of two time Nana loses. The second time is in this revue, the song being Hoshiboshi no Kizuna. Oh my god... Nana's voice in this song. While Maya has a powerful voice, Nana has a voice full of control. I love how drawn out her movements are, giving the impression she is flexing all her muscles, she is at her most powerful and she WANTS to win. She needs to even. Once again coming back with the sickly calm voice but this time it turns into one of desperation as her movements become more eratic. She fucking GROWLS the next lines and the next verse. Moeka is always good at performing characters breaking down. I love how Karen completely changes the tone of the song as she tries to calm down this terrified Nana. Powerful orchestra turning into something softer. Ahh this performance is so good from both the actresses. Ah now onto -Star Divine- Finale. This performance is also really good like the rest but it honestly makes me laugh and I'll get onto why soon. The mix of the women's voices are super satisfying for some reason? Especially the mix of Maya and Claudine. There's lots of fight choreo in this performance. Ranging from cool to silly. Some of the general dance choreo does make me laugh though. Like sometimes when they aren't singing they'll just sort of... wiggle? Oh yeah and then Maya and Claudine are just being gay in the middle because why not. "You're the only one who can keep up with me!" Shut up. AH NOW FOR MY FAV PART where Mayakuro just fucking starts spinning in some sort of sick blay blade formation. That surely can't be safe at all. I really love this perfomance for it's sheer unintentional silliness. I know the blay blade formation must've been a blast to rehearse. For my eyes' sake I will not be rewatching Butai Shoujo Kokoroe Makuai as I will start crying but what I will say about it is that it's so good man. AH ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITES IS LAST BUT CERTAINTLY NOT LEAST: Starlight. How good Suzuko's amazing voice is indicative of her years of experience. I know I talked up Maya's power in her voice but Hikari gives Maya some competition. Unrelated but I love the random choreo in this song. I know it's artistic and probabaly beyond a simpleton like me mind's comprehension but it makes me laugh. We see once again those desprate upturned eyebrows then a call back to starlight with the pose she takes. Then the tone of the song suddenly changes as Karen sings her verse. Turning into a nice warm melody. OH YEAH the steps and a part of the stage is lit up to look like the tokyo tower. I really love how the stage lights up as Karen steps on it. Then for the third and final time the tone changes into a wonderous tune and they do the little spins like in the anime. Ahh the harmanization in this part is so so good. It ends with them holding hands on the steps and talking. Really lovely performance! Ok I'm gonna wrap this up quickly due my Revstar movie blu ray having come in and I'm exited to watch it. I hope this entire log makes some sort of sense. It won't be on the index post it note for a bit due to me having to do some coding so it doesn't overflow and I don't feel like doing that rn. I just wanted to talk about one of my fav lives real quick! See ya in the next one!
End Log.
1/31/23
Hi! Long time no log. This is gonna be a short one because I have no energy. A bit of a hiatus is happening rn due to me being completely burnt out. Updates will be regular again once I get my drive back. Love you guys!
End Log.
2/26/23
Hi! Long long time no log. Today is kind of a bitter sweet one. It marks the anniversary of me going to my first concert! Around this time a year ago I would've been getting ready in some Airb&b in Austin. It was my first time being so far from my house for so long. I was with my ex and their best friend at the time. It's a day I hold very near and dear to my heart. A lot of fun and silly stories come from it. The way that the Airb&b had 13 in one soap not only in the shower but all the soap dispensers as well. Us trying to direct the uber eats driver to where we were in the middle of the night while it was freezing cold outside. My comical first kiss story. I miss it. Hmm I don't wanna get too sad so I'm ending the log here. Nothing really of note has happened other than me now owning a little plastic cockroach that fell from the sky and totally wasn't thrown. His name is Fredrick he's a sweetie. OH and my new (hand me down) bookcase! I might put a pic of it here soon. See ya!
End Log.
3/10/23
Mmm perhaps quick log, I feel very sluggish. I haven't gone to school in 3 weeks, and next week is spring break lol. That's like what a month without school? I don't feel good abt it. I haven't showered in a week even though I keep telling myself I'll start showering atleast every 3 days. I think it's seasonal depression, but I don't think I've ever gotten it in the transition of Winter to Spring but hey I guess anything is possible. Other option is that I am repressing an emotion deep inside me and it's eating away at me more day by day, but that's too much to think about. Atleast I had some fun coding on here for the first time in awhile. I hope my new shrine makes sense to read, I know I tend to get rambly. I've been asking my parents to buy me an absurd amount of things lately. Chasing the high one gets from getting a shiny new thing, but highs always end. I have been getting better I suppose, I'm much better than I was a few months ago, but considering how I was months ago, perhaps that isn't saying much. I spend everyday at my computer watching the same MVs over and over again, things that won't change in an ever changing world. I get so obsessed with this world without change, a world in my control, that I isolate myself from people that care, and from things I enjoy that aren't related to the four walls of my work place. If you think about it videos are timeloops. HAHAHA this reminds me of this poll going around on tumblr of "Question for all girls! Would you rather grieve normally or 500 year timeloop?" Timeloop won by a landslide. As a girl-ish being, I would also prefer to be in a timeloop of the time of my life where I was happiest than live here. Growing older means relating more and more to Homura HAHAHA. Speaking of Homura, as a part of my parent's money spending spree, I got the limited edition (not so limited if it's been around for 10 years at this point but go off) blu ray of Rebellion. I'm really glad my breakup didn't ruin Madoka Magica for me, as it was "our" show persay. We watched it after our first kiss, it was background noise for our sleepovers, for the first year of our relationship it was one our main talking points. The show still reminds me of them, and it kinda stings but it's not so bad I can't watch it or enjoy it. I was the Madoka to their Homura but honestly nowadays I relate more to Homura. "You're far stronger and kinder than you'll ever know.", "You've made me far happier than I could've ever asked for.", and "I'll keep wishing for a world where you can be happy." are still lines that make me cry like a little baby. Wow I said shorter log today and look how long it ended up PLSS. I'll be back here soon to talk about my new Harmoe CD that's coming in probably. Sorry if this log was extra edgy, I'm feeling extra emo bc of a reason that involves blood. Love ya.
End Log.
3/20/23
Short log today, but I've done a lot in the past 24 hours! I drank coffee for the first time in months and didn't have an anxiety attack! I'm so glad I can drink it leisurely again! I'm not gonna drink it as much as I used to, because coffee used to be my water, but I'm gonna have it every once in a while, as a treat. I also cleaned my face with like face cleanser for the first time in months! I also moisturized it, so it's nice and soft now. It felt good, taking care of myself. Oh yeah I also finished my required anki cards for the first time in days, AND did my grammer lessons. Just taking little steps to try to get out of this strong wave of deppresion. I feel creative but idk what to take that out on. I'm not sure what to work on for this website next, I guess we'll see. Love you guys!
End Log.
4/06/23
Revue Starlight
Plushies!
I am now the proud owner of the little silly funny revstar plushies! They're very high quality and they're sooo cute! They're so fun to take around with you and take photo shoots with! Ahhh I'm just so happy to have them!!! I got the Passion Group: Junna, Mahiru, and Nana, since they're all my fav characters. I have taken a few pics of them which I'll upload here!
4/19/23
Ahh so lots of things to talk about but I'm too lazy to give all the details. My birthday happened and I'm 16 now!!! I got lots of cool things. I also went to my first con but had the worst cramps of my life it felt like I was going into labor. I'm also finally switched to Fire Fox, which is a long time coming. I'm still using chrome to code this website, though, as I am too lazy to recode it to fit my new firefox lifestyle. I'm so enjoying the lack of ads and the speed, I am like a cave man discovering fire. I have lots of things to update on here, especially my figures page, so expect that to happen once I get the energy! Lack of activity has been due to my addiction of Stardew Valley and Papa's Freezeria deluxe, oh and my Youtube channel which uh. You should check out hehehe hahaha hehehe. I think I have the con sickness or something I am not feeling too hot. Uhhh oh yeah I'm gonna be posting more on my Tumblr now too! Ok I think that's a rundown of everything, see you guys! Love ya! (I'm so tea hyper rn sorry if this sounds frantic)
End Log.
4/22/23
I was thinking just a bit ago, "I wish I had a place to talk about my interests!" but then I remebered I have this blog! But I guess what I want is people to talk to about said interests, I've always been bad at talking to people though. I know there's people who want to be my friend but... I guess I just have a hard time communicating to them. What to say, what to bring up, I know nothing of it. It's frustrating. I think I'm just gloomy because of the time of year it is. It would've been me and my ex's 2 year anniversary yesterday and it stings. Just gotta... get my mind of it! Yeah! I'm sleepy rn, maybe I'll have an interest related log up later! Love you guys!
End log.
2/12/24
1 Year Later
Retrospective
Sorry for lack of updates in the past *checks watch* 8 months. Ever since moving to Firefox updating this website has been an out of sight out of mind situation. Lots has changed: I've moved houses, from the shitty apartment I lived in since... well my whole life, to a proper home with my own room, (might be moving again soon due to my parents speration), I've gained new interests, I dropped out, my art has developed more, I'm working on game development etc. Last time I wrote here my breakup was still very fresh in my heart, but over a year has passed and my perspective on things has changed considerably. I understand now there's better things for myself, and that the relationship I was in wasn't as perfect as my younger mind tought. If things are meant to work out they will, but I have to keep living my life to the fullest no matter what. Co-dependency is easy to fall victim to, especially as a young queer person in their first relationship. I felt like it was my one shot at love and to blow it was the end of the world, that I lost all chances of ever loving again. I was isolated and lonely and that made me vulnerable. Right now, I'm glad I didn't allow myself to get dragged into whatever they wanted to drag me into. There's light in my future!! I hope I get the drive to update this website again, I really love having my own corner of the interenet, especially due to all the negative changes being done recently to the already dumpsterfire social media platforms. I might make a new shrine soon if I'm up for it.
Ps. I'm medicated now so this might have helped this healthier developement in mindset HAHAHA.
End log.
